Hymnals and Hyrnals

So, a few months ago a new website popped up called the Babylon Bee.  The Bee is a Christian satirical news site that posts fake, satirical versions of news stories, very similar to The Onion, but from a Christian perspective.  Needless to say, the stories produced at the Babylon Bee are hilarious and incredibly creative.  Some of my favorite stories from the Bee are here, here, and here.  And, as all good satire does, some of the stories have made me squirm a bit before I could chuckle at them.  Take, for example, this article, and this article.  Admittedly, you have to be a part of the Christian subculture to really appreciate the stories, but trust me: they're spot on.

The Babylon Bee also accepts reader submissions, so one night about a month ago, when I didn't have anything better to do, I thought I'd try my hand at a satirical article.  I typed it up and sent it into their submissions department, and that was that.  The submissions page on their website states that if they're going to use your submitted article, they'll contact you.  If they're not going to use your article, you won't hear back from them.  Time went by, and I never heard back from them, so I assumed they weren't going to use my article.

But then, this morning, I received an email in my inbox from the Babylon Bee with the message, "You're up" in the body of the email with a link to my article on the Bee site.  Have a look for yourself.

The Bee published my article on their Facebook and Twitter pages right away this morning.  This goofy, made up, satirical article is by far the most widely read thing I've ever written - including anything I've ever written on this blog.  In fact, if you counted up the views for all of the things I've ever written on this blog, that's still probably less than the number of people who have read my article at the Bee today.  After all, they have 27,000 followers on Facebook and about 7,500 on Twitter.  As I write this, the article has received 1,700 "likes" on Facebook and almost 500 shares, while on Twitter it has been retweeted almost 50 times.  The comments on the article on Facebook (of which their are 124) have been fun to watch unfold, as some people riffed on the article and made some more jokes, while others are horrified because they have yet to learn that the article is satirical.

So thanks to the Babylon Bee for publishing my article and making this an interesting day, as I've been able to watch people enjoy my article in real time.  Now that I've broken the ice on satirical Christian writing, I think I might try my hand at a few more.

HANNAHSBut

Yesterday I was the "Special Feature" at Riverview's Ladies' Morning Out ministry on Thursday mornings.  I had the kids come with me and they watched a video on my computer in my office while I was doing my thing.  When I was done I came and collected them and we left.

This morning, however, I came into my office and noticed that three post-it notes were stuck to the table on my desk.  Apparently the video didn't keep their attention and they wanted to draw.  Hence (click to enlarge):

The two seemingly handlebar mustachioed creatures on the left are new to me.  I've never seen either of my kids draw them before, so I'm not sure what they are, or who it was that drew them.  But they don't look very happy.

The center drawing is Jamie's signature: a penguin (yes, that's a penguin).  Apparently the penguin lives on a hill under a tree, and it's a bright sunny day.

The third picture is Hannah's signature: a cheetah (yes, that's a cheetah).  The text seems to read "HANNAHSBut."  Here's what I think happened: Hannah drew the cheetah and wrote her name above it, hence the "HANNAH."  Her big brother came along afterward, and added the "SBut."  I assume he meant for it to say "HANNAH'S (a) But(t)" but due to his limited spelling and grammar capabilities, was only able to get out "HANNAHSBut."

Aside from one of my children calling the other a butt, it was an amusing start to the day.

UPDATE: This morning The Mrs. asked Hannah about the cheetah picture with the text on it.  Hannah said that the text says, "Hannah and Spot" (the name of the cheetah) although all she got out wast "HANNAHSBut."  I guess in her mind, "Spot" is spelled "sbut."  I guess I'll cut her some slack.  She's only 4 after all!

A (Worshipful) Comedy of Errors

It's been a week since my most recent sermon at Riverview.  Whenever I fill the pulpit I try to write a post about the content of the sermon I preached.  For whatever reason I haven't gotten around to writing that post yet.  Well, I just downloaded the podcast of my sermon from last week, so I thought this would be an opportune time to say a few words.

I need to start off by saying that it's a good thing that God doesn't accept our worship based upon the level of technical perfection it is conducted in, nor does he give demerits for uncontrollable technical glitches.  Thank goodness that Jesus' blood and righteousness are what make our worship acceptable, because if God's standard for acceptable worship were functional microphones and technical perfection, then Riverview Baptist Church would have been up a creek last week!

First of all, it was a crazy service.  There were several technical snafus, not to mention that it was a very full and detail oriented service.  Several things had to go a certain way in order to "work."  To begin with, the Pioneer Girls group was presenting a black light puppet show during the service for the children's story.  This meant that we had to try and black out as much natural light from the sanctuary as possible, which meant quite a bit of work beforehand, plus all of the platform furniture was either moved or removed, and there were plenty of black light decorations all over the stage.

Things went crazy during the service too.  Rich, our multi-media guy, came down right as the service was about to begin and told me the computer had frozen, and it was going to be a solid five minutes before it was back up and running.  This was a bit concerning, considering that a lot of our announcements are fueled by visuals on the screen.  Moreover, we were showing an Operation Christmas Child video during the announcements.  Rich told me I needed to kill some time during the announcements to allow time for the computer to reboot.  I did, but apparently it wasn't enough.  The computer was still hiccuping by the time we were ready to show the video.

After all that, our sound guy, Craig, signaled to me from the sound booth that my microphone wasn't on.  I signaled back that, in fact, it was turned on.  He then signaled back that I had it on "mute mode."  I signaled back again that no, I didn't.  This wouldn't be too much of an issue, had I not been responsible for the corporate prayer that morning, which I was.  This means I had to pray corporately for the church, which is somewhat hard to do without any voice amplification.  During a silent prayer time, Craig snuck down and gave me a new wireless mic, and told me to plug my mic cord into the new receiver.  I couldn't get my cord to plug into the mic!  So, out of desperation, I picked up one of the hand-held mics, which unbeknownst to me, was wrapped around the music stand I was standing in front of.  The mic cord had no slack, and as I drew it to my face, the taut cord pulled the mic from my hand and it bounced loudly off the music stand (did I mention this was during the silent prayer time?).  The foam wind protector on the mic fell off and rolled onto the floor (four feet below the platform).  It turned out that this particular microphone was having problems too, so I ended up just shouting out the corporate prayer for the morning.

After the prayer, I invited the congregation to stand and sing the doxology in preparation for the offering.  As the piano and organ played the introduction to the doxology, out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone ascending the stairs to the platform.  I looked, and was more than surprised to see my three year old daughter coming to greet me on the platform.  She had left her seat, gone and picked up the foam wind protector from the handheld microphone, and brought it to me on the platform.  According to my wife, she was very distressed when I dropped the mic earlier and the foam wind cover fell off, and she felt it was very important to return it to me.  The Mrs. told her to go get it and hand it to me after the prayer.  In the mind of my three year old, this meant to bring it to me on the platform, which she did.  Needless to say, I was quite surprised to see her up there!

After the doxology, and during the offertory, I slipped into the back room (because there was nowhere to sit on the platform.  Craig, the sound guy, was waiting for me, with yet a third wireless mic.  He explained that the cord from my original wireless mic had shorted out, and that's why it wasn't working with any mic he gave me.  But here he was, with a fresh and working mic and cord, which I quickly clipped to my tie.

Then, after coming up with a makeshift children's story to introduce the black light puppet show, the kids came on and did a fantastic job.  Take a look.

After each service, it's traditional for the preaching pastor to meet exiting worshipers at the door for a handshake, which I dutifully did (although I always get out of there as fast as possible - no offense to Riverview folks, but have you ever shook 200 hands in a row?  You tend to want to wash your hands as soon as you can).  This time, one person who was in the service and had heard my sermon simply came up to me and asked me where the book of 2nd Colossians was located in the Bible.  I didn't understand.  That's a strange question to ask.  After all, my sermon was from Colossians 2.

Uh oh.

He said that I had mentioned at the beginning of the sermon that we were "continuing our study of 2nd Colossians."  No.  Not possible, I thought.  I must've said something like, we're "continuing our study of the 2nd chapter of Colossians."  Surely I would never say something as stupid as referring to 2nd Colossians - a book that doesn't even exist.

Although, when I look back on it, it's not too surprising that I would say something like that in a sermon.  Whenever I preach, I tend to get in a zone where all I'm focusing on is the sermon, and what I am saying.  I find that if I don't pretty much know what I'm going to say during a sermon, then it's anybody's guess what is going to come out of my mouth.  Therefore, if you ever hear me preach, you can pretty much know that almost every word I say is prepared before hand.

This zone, however, can tend to tie me down and make me oblivious to what is happening around me, and even to what is coming out of my mouth.  Sometimes I think I can get so concerned about what I am going to say, that I don't realize what I've actually said.  It seemed possible to me  that something like this could have happened here, although I wasn't going to believe it until I heard the recording for myself.

Well, as I said earlier, I just downloaded the podcast.  Here's a transcript of the first 11 words of my sermon from this past week:

"We're continuing on, this morning, in our study of second Colossians..."

Oops.

Oh well.  Like I said: if nothing else, we can rejoice that the acceptable-ness of our worship is not dependent upon us doing it well.  Thank God for that!

When God Burps

My son James is in a fun phase right now where he points out how God is either bigger, stronger, or better than any and everything he sees.  For example, tonight we went to a Twins game at Target Field and were seated rather high up in the stands.  Jamie exclaimed, "Wow, we're pretty high!  But we're not as high up as God."  Earlier today he told me that Goliath was strong, but he wasn't as strong as God.

This has been going on for some time.  If he sees a tall building, he'll remark that it's not as tall as God.  If he has a good idea, he'll follow it up by saying that he's not as smart as God.

Tonight at the Twins game, I got a couple root beers for the family.  We were drinking them together, and as root beer tends to make one do, I burped.  Jamie had a chuckle over it, then said, "Hey Dad, that was a big burp, but you know what?  It's not nearly as big as one of God's burps."

For the Kids

You often hear teachers say that they get into teaching for the kids.  That if they could know that they had impacted the life of just one child, all their hard work, time, and effort would have paid off.  Maybe you could say the same thing about ministers, although if that's why I got into ministry, it appears I'm going to be disappointed.

As I've mentioned before, I recently graduated from Bethel Seminary.  The people of Riverview, unbeknownst to me, planned a rather lavish reception for me to celebrate my graduation.  Also unbeknownst to me, several people gave me cards with congratulations and significant monetary gifts.  One family passed along a card with personalized messages from both of their two children.  The dad of the family told me that his son, while writing his message to me, asked his dad how to spell the word "believe."  The dad felt his heart warm, as he imagined his son writing a message to the effect of "Thanks for helping me believe in Jesus, Pastor Joel."  After the boy had finished his message the dad took a look at it and found this:

"Hi Joel.  I can't believe you're going to be a pastor."

Needless to say, the parents put a word of explanation with the card so I wouldn't be too depressed.  But when I think about it, I find myself agreeing: I can't believe I'm going to be a pastor either!

One Step Closer

A while ago I posted about how PETA wants an animal-gender-inclusive translation of the Bible. They would prefer that animals mentioned in scripture be referred to as "he" or "she" rather than "it." They feel that animals aren't "its," and personal pronouns communicate their individuality and personhood, I guess.

I also said that Phil Johnson predicted (somewhat tongue in cheek) that such a translation of the Bible would, in fact, come down the pike at some point in time in the future. Today we are one step closer to such a translation, or at least the kind of thinking that would bring about such a translation has moved from being held just amongst the PETA folks. It's now moved to the academy, and specifically, to the theological academy.

Professor Andrew Linsey believes that calling animals "pets" is insulting to the animal, and that even referring to animals as "wildlife" is demeaning. Instead, pets should be known as "companion animals," and wild animals should be referred to as "free-living" animals. And those people who own animals shall henceforth be known as "human carers."

Ugh. Here it comes.

Read the whole article here. It's embarrassing. How does this guy have a job?

That's Funny, Dad.

A few days ago Ferg, the Hanburger, and I were playing out in the yard. Han got up on the swing set, and Ferg tried to follow by going up the slide. He fell down half way up and slid back down, which Han thought was hilarious. She started cracking up, so I went and got the camera.

Halfway through she notices that I'm holding a camera and says, "Cheese," as though I were taking a picture. I guess she hasn't wrapped her mind around video yet.

I Follow Jesus Holy Truth Church

My dad alerted me today to a half-page advertisement in Thursday's Pioneer Press for the "I Follow Jesus Holy Truth Church." Yes, that's what it's called. I'm not sure why. It's definitely one of the more interesting church names I've ever heard.

The advertisement is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors, not to mention several items which point to the shaky theology of the leadership of the I Follow Jesus Holy Truth Church. The wording and phrasing of the ad is so bad, in fact, that it makes me think it was translated from another language into English for the purposes of the ad. Since these folks probably paid upwards of $5,000 for this ad, I hope for their sake that's the case. Here's the content of the ad (note: all of the bad grammar and spelling belong to the ad, not to me):

Dear Friend in Christ,

A new church is about to open in the Whittier neighborhood. Its success mainly depends on the hearts of those who want to make something really positive and powerfully wonderful happen.

The "I Follow Jesus Holy Truth Church" is refreshingly different in its approach to what is the heart of our many fine Christian churches scattered around the Twin Cities and surrounding areas.

Although preaching is a valuable means of communicating the word of God, we prefer to focus on acting "hands on" by the means of serving that of which we have already learned. We want to take what we know and apply in our lives - starting in the community. We have seen how the joy of serving is contagious. When onlookers see how we live the word, they will witness honest faith.

Our building which houses our church (members) will mainly be used for these purposes.

1. Bible study occurring anytime 2 or more care to gather.

2. Discussing the different projects of service we are currently doing and their progress. Determining what other needs our community demands that we will have to address, and plan how to effectively handle them. Then addressing the impact these actions may have. We will be vigilantly aware to keep refining our means of service to be the most utmost efficient.

3. Addressing problematic concerns of members and guests by means of relating our own true life experiences and their resulting outcomes. No advice, speculation, or guessing given. Members will follow these and other ground rules as best they can.

4. Events and activities - of course, there will always be a time to have soe fun. We will play and socialize as well.

At the bottom, on either side of the ad, there are two ornate crosses and the words "Generous givers change our emotions." Below this it says "You may become a donor who: makes us satisfied - any amount; makes us happy - $100; makes us excited - $500; makes us most joyful - $1,000; makes us extremely grateful - $10,000; makes us cry - $100,000 or more."

A few comments for the folks at the I Follow Jesus Holy Truth Church, based on this ad:

1. Your church's "success" (whatever that means) does not "mainly depend on the hearts of those who want to make something really positive and powerfully wonderful happen." Your church's "success" depends on God.

2. You say your church is "refreshingly different" in that it is at the heart of what other churches in the area are doing. How's that different?

3. Preaching is, in my opinion, the most effective way the word of God is communicated to the world. Serving is good and noble, but don't serve the community at the expense of the preaching of the word.

4. Never (NEVER!) quantify your level of satisfaction based on the amount of a monetary gift. This runs the almost certain danger of alienating someone who can only give $5.00. According to your scale, that person can only make you satisfied - not even happy, let alone "most joyful"! Ever heard of the widow's mite?

5. This ad really looks atrocious. At the very least, make sure that words are spelled correctly and your grammar is accurate. People are watching.

The more I think about it, I think this might be a scam just to get people to send whoever placed this ad some money. Either way, it's definitely unique.

Cherry Tomatoes? No Thanks.

Our whole family went to a wedding and reception tonight. Betsy's second cousin was married, and the reception followed at a golf club in Cottage Grove. We got to the reception at 5:00 PM and weren't served our meal until about 7:35. It was tough to be there with the kids. The meal was served in courses: bread, salad, and then main course. When our salads came out, the kids weren't given one, so they just picked off stuff from the adults' salads. After we had finished the salads, I noticed that Ferg had picked around a cherry tomato and avoided eating it. Not thinking that he had ever had a cherry tomato before, I encouraged him to try it. He's usually pretty good about trying new foods. He'll try pretty much anything at least once. Well, let's just say that he's not a fan (neither am I, for that matter - like father like son, I guess). Mom was quick with the camera and caught the following progression.

1. Ferg takes a bite.

2. Initial reaction.

3. Down the hatch, even though he didn't like it. What a trooper.

4. Time to wash out the taste with a little Sprite.

Funny, Cute, and Gross Stuff That Happened Today

FUNNY: Every Tuesday my mom takes my kids to the local community center swimming pool, along with my sister and her youngest. They usually go swimming for a couple hours, and then head on over to McDonald's for lunch and some time in the playland. Today my kid was at the playland and told my mom he needed to go to the bathroom, which he went and did. A while later, after he had gone potty, my mom went into the bathroom and found a pair of underwear on the floor (this is normal behavior of Jamie - he doesn't really like to wear underwear). She confronted him and asked him if he took his underwear off and left it in the bathroom. He confessed that he did. When my mom insisted that he needed to wear his underwear, he said (in a very LOUD voice - loud enough for all in McDonald's playland to hear), "But I want to go commando!" "Going commando" is the state of being of not wearing any underwear, and it's a term we use frequently at our house. He's picked up on it, and uses the term quite a bit - even in public places, apparently. I wasn't there, but I was told the whole McDonald's playland was laughing.

CUTE: Each night Jamie sings some songs before he goes to bed. Every night he insists that we sing "The B-I-B-L-E" and we always do. I guess Han has picked up on this song too, because tonight she was singing the song like this: "Da B-I-B-I-B...Bibo!" Yeah, her spelling and pronunciation might need a little work, but it was pretty stinkin' cute.

GROSS: For some reason, my kids have a habit of coughing so hard that they make themselves throw up. I was in the basement tonight, taking a shower, when all of a sudden I heard a lot of crying coming from Jamie's room upstairs, and the I could hear the water pipes moving water to somewhere in the house. A closer listen led me to realize that the bathtub was filling up for some reason. This was at about 8:45 PM, which is 45 minutes after the kids' bedtimes, so a bath at this time of night was not usual. I came upstairs and the smell of hot barf met my nose as I walked down the hall. Jamie was in the tub, washing the puke off himself. His Turkey a la King was all over his bed, blankets (even his "blue blankey!"), and even a little bit on his stuffed Thomas. After he washed up I sat with him for a while, until we could find a replacement blankey while his regular one went into the wash.

All in all, having kids is awesome - even when they puke while you're in the shower.

3 Year Old Guilt

Tonight on the way home from my parents' house after Thanksgiving dinner, I had an interesting exchange with my three year old son. Two weeks ago, after the first snow of the season, our whole family went outside to play in the snow as it fell. It was great snowman-making snow, so Jamie and I immediately went to making a snowman. It was the first one that I've made in probably 20 years, and it was Jamie's first snowman ever, so I was really enjoying myself. And I really played it up with the boy, talking about how cool this snowman was going to be, and how fun it was to pack all the snow together. By the time we had the three tiers of the snowman put together, my wife and daughter joined us in the front yard. I had just finished strategically placing the rocks that formed the snowman's face, and encouraged my daughter to take a look. As I had my back turned, Jamie jumped, kicked, and knocked the snowman down, landing on top of the rubble. Needless to say, I was a bit shocked. After all the work we had put in together building that snowman, I was absolutely not expecting him to just tear it all down in two seconds. I told him that I was kind of sad that he would do that, especially after all the hard work we put in on it together. He didn't seem to care, so I said I didn't really want to play any more. He was cold too, so we went inside, but I explained to him that he shouldn't just go knocking down things that other people have worked on.

Cut to tonight: on the way home from my parents', Jamie and I were driving and listening to music. During a quiet part, he said from the back seat, "Dad?" "Yeah, buddy," I said. He got quiet and said, "I'm sorry I knocked down your snowman." I had to think for a minute, and then remembered what happened a couple weeks ago. "That's OK, buddy. I forgive you." "Thanks," he said. He kept apologizing all the way home, and I finally told him that once someone is forgiven, they don't need to apologize anymore, which he seemed to understand. He finally suggested that he and I build another snowman tomorrow, and I agreed. Then he said, "And then maybe we can knock it down!" I agreed.

It's interesting that, even in a three year old, the conscience works and works. Even young children know when they've done something wrong, and they know that it's right to apologize. His conscience has been eating away at him for the past two weeks, and for whatever reason, tonight it led him to do something about it.

I can't wait to build another snowman!

Banana Man Vs. Alien Man

Ray Comfort is the man - Banana Man, that is. I just read this article on worldnetdaily.com and I thought it was hilarious. It's especially sweet, knowing that Comfort's new book "You Can Lead An Atheist To Evidence But You Can't Make Him Think" just pushed Richard Dawkins' book, "The God Delusion" out of the #1 spot on Amazon's Atheist book list. Read the article for yourself:


Atheist wants debate to cost Christian author $100,000
Dawkins snubs offer of $10,000 for hour-long event

Atheist Richard Dawkins says he isn't as much concerned with what he would get if he accepts a challenge to debate Ray Comfort as with what it would cost the Christian author.

As WND reported, Dawkins snubbed an offer of $10,000 for a debate, which would amount to an hour's work. Now Comfort, author of "You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence but You Can't Make Him Think," has suggested raising the offer to $20,000, but Dawkins still isn't impressed.

"Twenty thousand dollars is closer to the fees that I am customarily offered," Dawkins told WND in an e-mail. "However, I am not in this for the money.

"My interest is in getting the Banana Man to PART with $100,000 of his money so that that money will NOT be available for buying animatronic dinosaurs with saddles, or other similar nonsense," Dawkins wrote.

"The fact that he would be making a substantial donation to a charity dedicated to Reason and Science adds to the humour of the situation," he wrote.

Comfort explained the "Banana Man" reference.

"For years I have held a Coke can in one hand and a banana in the other, and compared the two. Both have a tab at the top. The banana has a wrapper with perforations, is biodegradable, etc. It was a parody – the point being, if someone designed the Coke can then obviously Someone designed the banana. In the mid 1990's I published the parody in booklet form called 'The Atheist Test' and sold over a million copies. When we put it into our TV program, atheists removed the Coke can, and sent the clip all over the Internet, saying 'Ray Comfort believes that the banana is proof of God's existence.' I guess atheists don't appreciate parody."

Comfort cited Dawkins' response to Ben Stein, in the documentary "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed," when the atheist was asked, "What do you think is the possibility that … intelligent design might turn out to be the answer to some issues in genetics ... or in evolution?"

Dawkins said: "It could come about in the following way: it could be that, at some earlier time somewhere in the universe a civilization evolved by probably by some kind of Darwinian means to a very very high level of technology and designed a form of life that they seeded onto perhaps this planet . . . and that designer could well be a higher intelligence from elsewhere in the universe."

"So let's call the debate 'Banana Man Debates Alien Man' and let the audience decide who is the 'ignorant fool,'" Comfort said.

Dawkins had told WND he would participate in the argument only on a list of conditions, including a $100,000 donation to his foundation.

Dawkins also demanded a staff member for his website be allowed to film the event and then distribute it as a DVD, "if he thinks it is funny enough."

A spokeswoman for Dawkins' website also told WND Dawkins doesn't debate people from "the flat-earth society."

The original offer of $10,000 from Comfort, who also is co-host with actor Kirk Cameron of the award-winning TV show "The Way of the Master," wasn't taken seriously by Dawkins.

"Ten thousand dollars is less than the typical fee that I am ordinarily offered for lecturing to a serious audience (I often don't accept it, especially in the case of a student audience, because I am a dedicated teacher)," he said.

"It is not, therefore, a worthwhile inducement for me to travel all the way across the Atlantic to debate with an ignorant fool," he wrote. "You can tell him that if he donates $100,000 to the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science (it's a charitable donation, tax deductible) I'll do it."

Comfort said the offer was good whether Dawkins finished the debate with a win, lose or draw.

"Richard Dawkins is arguably the most famous living atheist, now that Anthony Flew doubted his doubts and backslid as an atheist," said Comfort. "Flew said that he simply followed the evidence. I would like to see Richard Dawkins follow his example."

The invitation from Comfort, who has spoken at Yale University on atheism and in 2001 addressed American Atheists, Inc., wasn't well received by the spokeswoman for Dawkins' official website either.

A respondent who identified herself only as "Liz" wrote:

"We know nothing about this – and it is a rather silly publicity stunt," the message said. "Richard has always made it known that he does not debate people from the flat-earth society, those who promote the stork-theory of conception and birth, or young-earth creationists."

Comfort debated atheistic evolution on ABC's Nightline in 2007 and earlier this year debated on the BBC. He is the author of some 60 other books including "God Doesn’t Believe in Atheists," "How to Know God Exists," and "Evolution: the Fairy Tale for Grownups." He is the publisher of "The Evidence Bible" and more recently, "The Atheist Bible (Unauthorized Version)" and, "The Charles Darwin Bible." His booklet, "The Atheist Test" has sold over a million copies.

On Darwin Day (Charles Darwin's 200th birthday – Feb. 12), Comfort's latest, "You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence but You Can’t Make Him Think," published by WND Books, pushed Dawkins' "The God Delusion" out of the No. 1 spot in the atheist category on Amazon.com.

"One of Dawkins' major gripes is against religion," said Comfort. "I am in total agreement on that one. I abhor religion. It is the opiate of the masses. It has left a bloody trail of destruction and human misery throughout history. Hitler even used it for his own ends. His other big beef is that he believes that the God of the Old Testament is a tyrant. If I had the image of God Dawkins has created in his mind, I, too, would be an atheist. The problem is that the god Mr. Dawkins doesn't believe in, doesn't exist."

Never Underestimate The Power Of AWedgie

This story made my day. This woman thwarted a car thief by giving him a good wedgie. The guy broke into a car in the parking lot where she works. When she confronted him, he took off. She gave chase. When she caught him, she grabbed a hold of his jacket, which he quickly squirmed out of. When she caught him again, she grabbed his boxers which were sticking out of the back of his pants and pulled up. When that stopped him, she proceeded to put him in a headlock and held him that way until police arrived. Read the whole story here.

Man, I love wedgies (giving them, that is, not receiving them). And now to know that wedgies are an integral part of the war against crime puts a smile on my face.

Never underestimate the power of a good wedgie.

Proof That This Country Is Beyond Hope

Revelation of the Century: Jail Sucks

So says rapper DMX. Check out this interview:



I'm not even sure what to say about those remarks: "I learned that this is not where I want to be..." Really? You mean being in jail is something I SHOULDN'T aspire to? Hmmm. I might have to think on that one for a while.

You almost have to feel sorry for DMX. It seems as though his realization that prison isn't supposed to be fun is something that has really made him sad. His ignorance is literally making me laugh as I write this.

His reference to the pink underwear is a result of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's new prison policies. Prisoners are forced to wear pink as a means of demoralizing them. The sheriff also eliminated all cable television except the Disney channel and the Weather channel. He has also resurrected the use of the chain gang, and makes prisoners sleep in tents in the middle of the desert. As DMX noted, it's hard to be the life of the party when you're wearing pink while working on the chain gang, talking about last night's rebroadcast of The Little Mermaid.

But isn't that the point of prison? Since when is justice served and punishment for crime supposed to be fun? Kudos to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and kudos again, for making jail suck. Maybe next time DMX will think twice before putting himself in a situation that lands him there.

Weird Church Sign

I was driving from my parents' house to work today, and I drove past a United Methodist church that had a portable sign out in the front that read, "If you don't throw the dice, you can't roll a six." I don't know about you, but I consider that to be an odd thing for a church to put on their sign. It's completely void of any context, it has nothing to do with spirituality, plus it has to do with chance. Not chance in the gambling sort of way, but chance when it comes to God. Are we really rolling the dice in life when it come's to our relationship with God? I don't think so.

Church's just need to stop putting stupid crap on their signs. How many goofy, cliche, catch phrases to we need? I wonder how many people really drive by those signs, read the stupid cliche on it and say, "Wow, that was really powerful," as compared to how many who drive by, read the cliche and mutter something under their breath about how stupid it is. Personally, I tend to fall into the latter category.

In my early twenties I was the janitor at Riverview, which meant I was highly involved with our church's sign - the maintenance of it, what to put on it, etc. In my opinion, it was always best to just put the dates and times of the church's programs on the sign, rather than try to get cutesy and put some goofy catch phrase or cliche on the sign. Believe it or not, I actually saw this on the sign of a local church in Inver Grove Heights:


How stupid is that! This sign basically says, "Come to our church because we're better than Google." If a church has to start appealing to people because of their superiority over something like Google, they've completely lost it.

Our default sign setting at Riverview is "God's Word is truth." I like that. It's not cutesy. It's not a catch phrase. It's not a cliche. It's not trying to appeal to your sensitive side. You either like it, or you don't. You agree, or you don't. It also says a lot about our church. We believe God's word is truth, and that's it.

At the very least, you have to admit that it's better than "If you don't throw the dice, you'll never roll a six."

Polar Bear Update

During my research for this post, I came across this article from The Eco Inquirer and thought you might enjoy it.

POLAR BEARS "DROPPING LIKE FLIES" FROM HEAT EXHAUSTION

(Cold Bay, Alaska) Warming temperatures in polar regions are causing an increasing number of polar bears to collapse from heat exhaustion, local hunters report.

Jeremiah Johnson, a local hunter who tracks and kills polar bears "because they are there" has seen three of the behemoths collapse before him in just the last month. "It just isn't sporting to shoot one of these creatures when they are suffering like this", Johnson said as he recounted his attempts to revive a bear he was ready to shoot.

Local TV meteorologist Sky McCloud explained, "Average annual temperatures in the area have risen from 20 degrees below zero to 15 below zero in the last 30 years, and these giant creatures simply can not withstand the excess heat."

Bear researchers concur with McCloud. Dr. Phillip Slander, of the University of Alaska's Wildlife Health and Comfort Department, said "People don't realize how much heat stress these temperatures put on polar bears. The bears are increasingly being seen taking dips in the ocean in their attempts to cool off."

Researchers believe that it is only a matter of time before polar bears are pushed to the brink of extinction. "Ten degrees below zero seems to be the generally agreed tipping point", said McCloud. "Once average temperatures reach this level for several days in a row, the bears start dropping like flies."

Dr. Slander recounted a recent incident in which a polar bear attacked a local homeless man, and had devoured only a small part of the man's body before collapsing from exhaustion. "Because of global warming, the bears' normal way of life is changing rapidly..it's tragic."

My Latest Time-Waster

I accidentally came across this site, where users create graphs and charts based upon phony statistics in made-up categories. The resulting charts and graphs can be pretty funny. Some of my favorites are graphs of: People Who Hate Snakes And The Intesity Of Their Hate; Laser Pen Usage; Relative Greenness of Grass; Relevance of George Washington Carver Innovations; Uses of Q-tips; Football According To John Madden; Morning Radio; How My Pack of Gum Is Consumed.

If you go to graphjam.com you can find a bunch of fun graphs to check out.